Okay, throbs of young girls who are manically depressed because of our united loss of Zayn Malik (and 19-year-olds who have hidden Zayn under post-it notes on all the 1D pics in their college dorms): today is the day that we CONQUER.
I've read a lot of Zayn Hate and Zayn Love and scoped out the comments against poor, fan-famous fellows (like myself) whose semi-serious reactions have been all the buzz, and I've come to the important conclusion that we need to get OVER THIS.
We're in a blogosphere of crying teens and crying non-teens and I'd say we settled the dust. It took me a whopping 24 hours to be fully okay with, not Zayn's decision, but One Direction's ultimate demise, and now I'm burying the rather large (and, good hell, HOT) hatchet where it won't effect me no more. Wanna know how?
1. Blocking (and blogging) out the haters. Putting my phone to rest. Snapping the off-switch on social media. And if you're like me, this is a Grade-A struggle, so I picked up a John Green book, pressed the little moon button on my iPhone, and read 6 pages until I actually fell asleep. WE'RE NOT MISSING ANYTHING.
2. Covering up the mere sight of him with post-it notes and avoiding any environment that could provoke the near sight of him (bars, restaurants with news tv's, grocery stores where his face is advertised, your bedroom, your phone, pictures or rooms with pictures).
(Oh my word).
3. drinking a non-alcoholic beverage (because we don't support that) out of a wine glass. We are STILL OF HIGH SOCIETY, YOU GUYS. Act like it.
4. steering clear of those people who will ask about it.
(how many people have asked to see if you're okay?)
5. look at pictures of Naughty Boy to promote laughter. He is so below average.
6. ignoring Zayn's leaked single (it sounds like that time Robert Pattinson tried to be a singer via Twilight. If you haven't heard his song--which is dripping with sex, so beware--here it is. He doesn't start singing until 1:18, at which time I lose control of my nostril-burning laughter and release some pee)
7. still ignoring Zayn's leaked single. Don't worry fangirls, it's too dry to listen to more than one sex-driven sound. (Thank you, Zayn, for making this music resistible). Him entering the R&B industry just put its Likability average down, like, 200 points (on the DOW scale, largely speaking).
8. Watch Vines of the other boys on tour. The whole baby-face thing is starting to fade and they're turning into brawny men of outrageous caliber. I hate when boy bands disturb my soul like this.
9. Take up sewing, or spinning, or some activity that is music-less and Zayn-less.
10. Treat yourself to ice cream.
It's been a psychosexual mess around here, but the two-face-ness has allowed me--like a girlfriend being numbly cheated on--to move past the irreverence that is Zayn Malik. I hope it can prove the same for you.
Good luck out there, fangirls of all denominations. You are my rock.
-A
No comments:
Post a Comment